Manic Momentum

Manic momentum 

So tempting, to plant the seeds in the back garden and see what grows. By day five I wouldn’t care to stare at the space searching for silicone shoots of fictional flowers. My brain would fizz with fresh fireworks flying through the fog. I would re awaken - and the sickly sweet mania would flood my veins - all glitter, bubbles and pastel plasma. 

Magical mania, natures amphetamine with its nausea inducing rush and its adrenalin-arousing assault on the senses.

Run to the next county,

Jump onto a double decker bus

Swim to France

Fight Fistycuff Frankie

Drink like a Viking 

Vandalise an Aston Martin

Steal a diamond necklace

Throw a brick through the police station window,

But then 

 Depression Descends

The energy evaporates instantly. Fade to black, nothing seems worth it, my body is a stranger, my life has no horizon.

Just a claustrophobic crawl space going down

Down

Down

The tunnel behind me caves in - no way back. The tunnel ahead - the diameter of my diaphragm. The light at the end of the tunnel is a flickering fluorescent holding no possibilities.

The never ending sea sickness of existing.

I can’t walk to the shop

I can’t jump out of bed

I can’t talk without tears

I can’t listen with interest 

I can’t go on

I can’t go on

I crawl to the back garden

Claw my pills from the dirt with uneven nails

Hold the pills in my hand but I hesitate

Here it comes here it comes here it comes

Manic Momentum